*birth* *80s movie montage* *death*
Young writers should read books past bedtime and write things down in notebooks when they are supposed to be doing something else.
Aw, you shouldn’t have.
In the chasm between Thanksgiving and Christmas, amid the fleeting fog of tryptophan and the rising tumult of premature jingle carols, there are those who would lose their way. WHAT IS FOOD, you may ask. WHAT ARE GIFTS, you may ponder. Rest assured, the answers to these consumer conundrums lie in the Sphinx’s sphincter: both are both, friends. Both are both.
Naturally, you will now inquire what edible gifts you can purchase that will convey to your family, friends and significant others the depth of your affection. I know that I speak for both Snoop Lion and myself when I say “Greetings, loved ones! Let’s take a journey…”
EXHIBIT A: THE BUTTER TURKEY SCULPTURE
- What it says: I appreciate you for both your appearance and functionality. You have the body of a finely chiseled Michelangelo and you enhance any social function like a warm dollop of butter fixes everything except for Paula Deen’s reputation with the blacks.
- Plausible objections: Ummm it’s not Thanksgiving anymore.
- Counter-objections: You want to quibble with time? I suppose you propose to challenge history as well? Then why don’t you hop in your time machine and go back to 1784 when the turkey was up for consideration as the national bird of the United States and swing the vote? Then you can eat a goddamned bald butter eagle instead.
EXHIBIT B: THE BEEFEATERS HOLIDAY SURPRISE PIG HIDE
- What it says: You prop me up when I feel weak. You nourish me when my strength fails. You remain long after everything else has expired.
- Plausible objections: Gross, you gave me a meat hook.
- Counter-objections: I’ll have you know that is a crook, not a hook, as in the crooks that the shepherds were wielding when they recieved news that the newborn baby Christ had entered the world to save all of humankind from their sins and grant them eternal life. Meaning, if it’s good enough for Jesus, it should be good enough for you.
EXHIBIT C: THE GINGER FAMILY
- What it says: I want to be just like you. I want to be with you always. I want to go everywhere together, do everything together, be everything together until people can no longer tell us apart and we can truly be one forever and ever and ever…
- Plausible objections: I thought there was just one gingerbread man.
- Counter-objections: If you’re telling me that you never wondered what happened to Mr. Gingerbread Man’s family or that you never fantasized about finding his settlement, pillaging his barracks and stealing his women away across the milky waves, then you’re a damn dirty liar.
EXHIBIT D: CANDY CANE PEEPS DIPPED IN CHOCOLATE
- What it says: Girl, I know you think I tell all the chicks this, but you’ve got a sweet butt.
- Plausible objections: It looks like you just gave me a pack of three chicken youths sitting in a pool of their own fecal matter.
- Counter-objections: Talk shit, get hit.
EXHIBIT E: THANKSGIVING SHAPE SUGAR COOKIES
- What it says: My feelings for you can only be matched in enthusiasm by a demonically possessed pastry man bent on cannibalizing other pastry people under the guise of a turkey in a fitting metaphor for the Anglo-European relationship with Native Americans in the years following that initial, peaceful Thanksgiving encounter.
- Plausible objections: There’s no way those cookies are turning out the way they look on the box.
- Counter-objections: All you gotta do is belieeeeeve!
EXHIBIT F: CARAMEL COB JUNIOR
- What it says: You helped raise me into the proud young figure I am today. Based on the lessons you taught me, I know that I can build a brighter and better future in which everyone has enough to eat, the air is untarnished, our water supply is replenished, and biodiversity is thriving anew.
- Plausible objections: I think if I eat this it might give me cancer.
- Counter-objections: Put it in the microwave and let’s see what happens.
In Leonard’s words, to all of the above, "that’s a buy!"
A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there’s no punchline.